Traffic police tolerate them, big car drivers loathe then, and economy car drivers envy them, nice eldery ladies scowl at them, hot rodders chase them, and Detroit just doesn't understand them.
A Morgan-enthusiast is a gentle man, with grease under his nails, the soul of ingenuity, with an hour to make up and the next checkpoint three miles away. He is determination with a cracked block, dedication with his top down in December and the picture of righteous indignation with a traffic summons in his hand. He can cry like a baby when he finds a flea-sized scratch on his paint job, but will laugh with the rest of them when he spins out on a corner and smashes a fender.
A Morgan enthusiast is also
a paradox. He has the purse of a pauper. but the taste of a raconteur,
the tender love of a mother for his thoroughbred machine, but the willingness
to torture it in heated contest. He possesses the speed of an elderly turtle
when the weather is foul and the road is clogged, but when conditions permit,
he displays the nimbleness of a jackrabbit and the reflexes of a Fangie.
The eMog Pub Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide
The "Haynes" Manual:Real Meanings
The Buying and Selling of a Classic Car
The Laws of British Sports Cars
Have You Owned a Morgan Too Long?
The Ten Best Things About Owning a Morgan!
What You are Really Saying With the Car You are Driving
The McDonnell-Douglas Questionaire
The Buying and Selling of a Classic Car
Terminology
If
the ad claims...
it really means...
"Parts car" beyond repair
"Immaculate" recently washed
"concours quality" recently waxed
"engine quiet" won't start
"needs minor overhaul" needs engine
"needs major overhaul" unrecognizable as a car
"burns no oil" it all leaks out
"rebuilt engine" cleaned the spark plugs.
"completely gone over" cleaned the spark plugs.
"Drive it away" parked on a hill.
"Drive it anywhere" within 10 miles
"desirable classic" no one wants it.
"rare classic" no one wanted it when it was new.
"stored 20 years" in a farmer's field
"extensive re-chroming" front bumper buffed
"a real show-stopper" won't start and blocks traffic
"ran when stored" won't start now
"never apart" bolts too rounded to loosen.
"solid as a rock" rusted solid
"restored, with 0 miles" won't start.
"restored, with 2 miles" starts but stalls
"older restoration" first owner washed it.
"good investment" impossible to depreciate further
"no time to restore it" can't obtain parts.
"95% complete" other 5% doesn't exist.
"rich history" many repair bills
"other interests conflict" divorce pending
"many extra parts" left over after I put it back together again
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door, works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age, but it also works great
for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the
brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying
to get the bearing out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "EEK...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of
ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten
to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought..
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to hollow out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield,
and rounds them off.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
